She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
