Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
