I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
