margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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