drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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