No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
