When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
