he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
