Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
