my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
