Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
