I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
