New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
