my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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