is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
A+ Viking dick
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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