zippers are such a cool invention
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
