she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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