my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
