I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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