so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
