god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You can't motorboat a personality
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
