I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
