Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
accomplished twins. life is a go
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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