I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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