The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
