booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
