So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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