So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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