I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
