So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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