Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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