i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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