oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
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