we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
