3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
