My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
