Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
