I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I enjoy the company of your penis
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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