IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
