Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Randomize
