Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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