If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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