Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Randomize
