hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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