My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize