you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
