Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
