I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
