I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
