I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize
