if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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