You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
