He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
