Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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