I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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