First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
